


All Our Fears Should be Irrelevant

by NerdHerder12



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:13:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25234462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdHerder12/pseuds/NerdHerder12
Summary: When Mac confesses his feelings to Riley late one evening, Riley admits her own, but pushes him away. Her past still haunts her, and her fear of hurting Mac overshadows her feelings for him. After a long discussion, Riley begins to understand that sometimes she can let herself have what she wants.
Relationships: Riley Davis/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 95





	All Our Fears Should be Irrelevant

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again for all the support on my works! I love you all. This fic is purely Mac/Riley talking out their feelings and figuring out where they stand. Riley not telling Mac about her feelings because she thinks she doesn't deserve him is something I've thought about for a while. I hope you enjoy this :)

It was eight in the evening when Riley arrived home after spending an extra hour tying up loose ends at the Phoenix. Before Mac left, he stopped by the lab with a strange request.

_"Hey Riles, I'm heading out now, but there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. Can you let me know when you get home?"_ _  
_

Riley was so focused on her work that she didn't think much of it, and agreed without questioning him further. But thinking back on it now confused her. They talked all the time, and there was no need for him to ask her beforehand. She'd be home well before bedtime. They could have a talk whenever.

Riley stepped out onto the deck of Mac's house. Mac was already sitting by the fire pit, and he looked lost in his thoughts. No drink in hand, which was pretty uncommon these days. Riley filed that thought away again for a later conversation. One of these days she needed to talk him about the amount of drinks he'd been having lately.

"Hey," Riley announced her presence, stepping down to sit next to him. Mac's head snapped up, slightly startled.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" She asked.

Mac blinked and shook his head. "Sorry, I just got lost in my thoughts for a second. Didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah, you looked pretty focused."

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you," Mac began, and Riley could tell he was nervous. His hands kept reaching for his pocket as though to fidget with a paperclip, but he would stop himself just before and hold his hands back in front of him.

"I know this might freak you out, so feel free to say whatever is on your mind," he prefaced.

Riley started to worry. "What is this about, Mac?"

Mac stared into the fire again and Riley waited for him to respond.

"I wanted to tell you that - that I care about you, Riles." He glanced back at her for a second, and Riley thought she saw a bit of fear in his eyes.

Riley was thoroughly confused, but still gave Mac an encouraging smile. She reached forward to clasp both of his hands in hers, stilling his fidgeting and turning him towards her.

"I care about you too, Mac. You know that. What brought this on?"

Mac took a deep breath, looking down at their joined hands. "No, I meant.. I care about you more than just as friends, Riley."

Riley's smile faltered a little. Of course she was also hiding the fact that she was in love with Mac, but it was never supposed to come to this. Mac wasn't supposed to feel the same way. This wasn't a conversation she was prepared for.

At Riley's stunned silence, Mac look upwards with a sad gaze as he took in Riley's wavering smile. He slowly detached his hands from hers and placed them back in his lap.

"I needed to tell you, because we promised no more secrets between us. I just wanted to be honest with you. I know you don't feel the same way, and that's completely fine. I just didn't want to hide this from myself, or from you, any longer."

Riley shook her head. "Mac, if you think I don't feel the same way, why are you telling me this?"

Mac sighed. "Because Des noticed and brought it up to me last week. She promised she wouldn't say anything, and I trust her, but I didn't want you to find out any other way without me telling you first. That would hurt our friendship, hell, me telling you this now is probably scaring you away. But at least I'll know I was the one who did it." Mac shrugged.

Seeing that Riley was still slightly in shock, Mac continued on.

"I don't want to lose what we have. I wanted to tell you that I'm - that I'm going to work on this. I'll keep my distance, I'll stop judging everyone you date - I'll be less selfish, Riles. I wanted to let you know that I'll try to be a better person and not let these feelings cloud my judgement. I don't want to lose our friendship."

And then Riley thought of Bozer, who was also incredibly perceptive and found out about Riley's secret. Riley trusted Bozer to not say anything, but Mac was right about one aspect. If he were to find out about Riley's secret, she wanted it to come from her, not from someone else.

"Mac," she started, and this time Riley looked away, glancing over her left shoulder and out at the darkening skyline.

"You're right. We promised no secrets between us. What if - what if I told you that your feelings aren't one sided?" She gave Mac a second to process this before continuing.

"I care about you a lot too, Mac. I've been keeping this to myself, and didn't want to tell you - but you were right, I'd rather you found out from me than anyone else. That's all. I agree with what you said - I don't want to lose our friendship either."

She looked back at Mac, who looked as though he was having a hard time understanding that she actually returned his feelings. It didn't matter, though. Riley didn't tell him so they could finally get together, she told him so that she wouldn't keep carrying this secret around. Riley knew that she and Mac would never work. She'd accepted it long ago.

And yet, she couldn't help the sting in her heart when Mac told her about his feelings. It hurt, to know that all along she had what she wanted, right in front of her. To know that she had to be the one to choose to ignore her heart and say no, because Mac was right. They'd lose everything. She couldn't risk their friendship for this. But Mac still deserved to know just as he told her.

Mac was looking at her now, with something in his eyes that Riley couldn't explain. His right hand came up to rest on the nape of her neck, his thumb softly and maddeningly stroking her jaw. Riley knew she should say something, to stop this, but she couldn't tear herself away from his eyes.

"Riles," was all Mac said, his voice low. He leaned in, closer, his eyes closing in the process. When he broke their shared gaze, Riley felt herself come out of the stilled trance she was in. Just as Mac's lips touched hers, Riley placed her hand on his chest and slowly but firmly pushed back. They were oh, so close. Riley wanted nothing more than to know what it felt like to kiss Mac. But it was a dangerous path, and she wouldn't have wanted to kiss him senseless and then say what she was about to say.

Mac recoiled. "Riles, I'm so sorry," he said, but this time his voice was tinged with worry and sadness. He'd pulled back completely, and Riley felt a cold chill on her neck from where his hand was before.

"I shouldn't have done that. I should have asked. I'm so sorry - I got so caught up in the fact that you returned my feelings that I kind of lost it for a second."

"It's not your fault, Mac," Riley said. "I wanted it, too. But we can't. You were right. It'll ruin what we have."

Mac's eyebrows were scrunched in confusion. "When I asked to talk to you tonight, I assumed that me telling you would ruin our friendship because you couldn't possibly return my feelings. But now that I know you do - are we not denying ourselves by dancing around this all the time? I care about you, Riles, and if you feel the same way.. could we try this? Could we give this a shot?"

"It's not even a 'what if we don't work', Mac," Riley forced herself to say. "It's not an _if_ , it's a _when_. I really do care about you Mac. I care enough to not want to hurt you. I may selfishly want this in my heart, but we can't do this."

"You're right," Mac finally said quietly. "I don't have the best track record when it comes to dating. I've had to leave a lot of relationships, I've hurt a lot of people who have cared about me - and you don't deserve that, Riles. I'm sorry. I - I'll go. I'll give you some space."

Mac rose to leave, and the genuine hurt look in his eyes haunted Riley. _He always thinks it's his fault,_ she remembered Jack telling her one evening after a rough mission. _He doesn't understand that some things are out of his control. He's always worried that one day he's going to drive away the people who he cares about most, just like his dad. That's why he keeps himself distant and rarely opens up. It took a whole month of life or death in the Sandbox before we got anywhere past a professional relationship. He needs people in his life that aren't going to up and leave or turn on him._

Riley grabbed Mac's arm before he could get up fully, tugging him to sit back down. "You don't have to go. It's not you I'm worried about, Mac. It's _me_. You've done everything right. Nikki wasn't your fault. You left Nasha to protect her. Desi and you mutually decided to end it. You didn't do anything wrong."

Mac stared at the flame in the fire pit for far too long.

"Neither have you, then, Riles. Billy and Aubrey were not your fault either. How could you say you'd hurt me?"

"Because I'm not the same person I always was, Mac." Riley finally said it. "I'm not good for you. You've always been the boy scout, the good guy. I'm trying to be a better person now, but that doesn't change the fact that I could always go back to being the person I was when I had the world at my fingertips. I was selfish, I was arrogant. I really did hurt people. Dating Aubrey and Billy was me trying to prove to myself that I could have someone care about me. But it was easy because they didn't know every detail about my past. I pretended that wouldn't matter - "

"It _doesn't_ matter - " Mac interjected.

" _But_ , I can't do the same to you, Mac. Pretend I never told you about my feelings. Pretend we never even talked about this. I don't have to see Billy or Aubrey again, but I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you, Mac. Because I will."

Mac shook his head. "Riley, you're one of the strongest people I know, and you don't hesitate to help others. You aren't defined by what you did. What matters is who you are now. And that's the person that I.. that I fell in love with."

Riley could be incredibly stubborn, and the L-word was not what she ever expected Mac to say. Not to her. The ease with which he said those words confirmed for Riley exactly why she had to say no. Mac was a lover, not a fighter. He loved deeply and easily. It was one of the qualities that Riley loved most about Mac. His ability to care was unlike anyone else she knew. Unfortunately, people like Nikki and Gwen took advantage of it. Riley would never want to be like them, but her past often loomed over her thoughts like a dark shadow.

 _We can all make our own choices now, as adults,_ Riley reflected. _But don't our childish desires reflect who we really are?_

"Mac, the worst thing you ever did was accidentally burning down your school football field. You didn't intentionally hack into the NSA and go to _prison_."

"What are you trying to say? We all make mistakes." Mac never cared about any of that. Riley was the same, bright, funny, confident woman he'd grown to care about. That was all that mattered. Not her past.

"I really care about you, Mac." _More than you'll ever know,_ Riley added internally, "But you shouldn't settle for this when you could have someone so much better. You're an amazing guy, Mac. You deserve someone who is just as good of a person as you are. I told you about how I felt because you deserve the truth. But what you said initially was right - I need to distance myself and move on. Because you shouldn't care about me like that. And I shouldn't pretend there's any chance this could work. I don't want to lose you, Mac. You're my closest friend - I _can't_ lose you."

"Riles." Mac shifted closer to her, and Riley shifted back, head tilted down.

"Riley, look at me, please," he begged, eyebrows scrunched in worry.

Riley glanced up at Mac, hands fidgeting in her lap. She tried to stare ahead and not directly meet his eyes, but it was hard not to when he was again gazing so intensely at her. She looked into his eyes for a second before breaking away and looking down again.

Mac gently placed his left hand on Riley's shoulder, rubbing his thumb in small circles.

"You know I don't care about your past. I only care that it was what brought you to the Phoenix. It's what helped you become who you are now. And if there's someone out there who is 'better' for me, I don't want her. I want _you_ , Riley. All of you. Everything you did, and who you used to be - you were strong, funny, and you cared so much about the people around you - that hasn't changed at all. How could I not care about you?"

Riley had nothing to say to that. Of course Mac would say things like that, that's why he was _Mac_. Always the gentleman, always humble and the kindest soul. Riley wanted nothing more than to accept his words, to tell him that she loved him just as much as he did her, and to fall into this romantic fantasy she'd been playing in her head for months. The solemnity of the situation and the words that were being said had Riley's eyes shining with tears. She didn't want to cry. She was stronger than that. But Mac's words cut into her, deep. _Damn his caring._

Mac must have noticed her expression, because the next thing she knew, he'd reached over and wrapped her up in a tight hug. Riley clung onto him, her head resting on his shoulder. She pressed her eyelids shut, not caring that her tears slid down her face. She breathed in his scent. He was so warm, and the flannel on his shirt was so soft. His arms were secured around her, one around her waist and his other hand reaching up to stroke through her hair. It felt like home, and Riley never wanted to leave.

They didn't say anything for a while, the only sound coming from the crickets outside, their simultaneous breathing, and the soft rustling as Mac ran his fingers through her hair. Mac could feel that Riley's earlier tears had soaked into his shirt. He held her tighter.

"Riles," Mac finally spoke, "If you really don't want to do this, we don't have to. I didn't mean to - to guilt you or pressure you into anything. That wasn't my intention. We can just go back to being friends and I will never, ever take that for granted. I'm happy to have you in my life in any way. But please, _please_ , just know that you're not undeserving, Riley. Not for a single second."

The deep rumble of Mac's voice sent a warmth through Riley's chest.

"Mac, you have no idea how much I _do_ want this. But I'm so scared of fucking it up," she whispered.

"Just so you know.. so am I." Mac responded almost as quietly. "I've dated people I liked, but I've never dated someone I care about as much as you. I'm also scared of screwing it up. But we know each other inside out. We're always honest with each other, right? If anything changes, we can talk about it. We can work things out."

Mac paused for a second before continuing. "And if we don't want this down the road.. I know I'll never have any hard feelings or regrets, Riles. Whatever happens, we'll still have each other. But I want to try this. I really do.. but only if you feel the same way."

Mac slowly loosened the tightness of his grip. Riley didn't let go, instead lifting her head up from Mac's shoulder so she could tuck him in closer.

"You know," Riley started, "When I first joined the Phoenix and finally moved into my own place, it was nice. But I didn't own anything and it always felt kind of cold, so I spent a lot of evenings here at your place instead of mine. And then I started seeing people and they also had nicer, lived-in places, so I just.. moved around for a while. I didn't need my own place because theirs made me feel less lonely. And then after Aubrey, moving in here was.. different. Even if I didn't have feelings for you, Mac - this place wasn't just a nice place to be for a while. This place always felt like home. No matter what was going on in our lives.. this place was a constant. And I realized that I want that in my life. I don't want to date around and move around and pretend I work at a think tank. I don't want to worry about anyone finding out about my past and leaving. I want something to feel like home - I was just too scared to let myself have it."

Riley pulled away from their embrace just enough that she could look Mac in the eyes. Their faces were still impossibly close.

"Mac, if we do this.. No secrets. Not a single one. Not just 'us' secrets either. I care about _you_ , Mac. No more pretending you're fine when you're stressed, and _definitely_ no more hiding an injury on a mission."

Mac pretended to contemplate for a while, and Riley narrowed her eyes. "Okay, fine," Mac relented, a soft smile on his face. "No secrets, I promise."

Mac's eyes flitted up and down between Riley and her mouth. They were so close they could feel each other's breath. Riley noticed and proceeded to bite her lower lip, slowly, teasingly, smirking at Mac's reaction.

"I guess I did say I would ask, first," he finally said. "Riley Davis, can I kiss you now?"

Riley stared deep into Mac's eyes, ever blue and twinkling with the reflection of the LA lights, and she knew this was home.

"Yes," she whispered, her heart full.

Mac smiled and leaned forward, and this time, Riley met him halfway. 


End file.
